Four Legged

They are our friends. Our companions. They're family. They're there to greet you when you return home. They're affectionate anytime you need it. They become a piece of you, of your being and your history.

I drift between being an absolute wreck and being solemnly ok. Last night was rough. Alone with my two favorite pups and I couldn't have felt more helpless. Lolli lied there, uncomfortably. At times she pushed herself, only to end up yelping and on the ground. I slept as near as possible, shoes on. Whatever she needed, I wanted to be there.

I could hear the exasperated panting. I think it even seeped into my dreams. By 5a, I think she settled long enough to close her eyes. I knew I could no longer help by myself. Her legs weren't working. She was in immense pain. And yet, nothing but wags and smiles.

I left the vet this morning, her attached to a stretcher, knowing this was likely it. The confirmation didn't come until after four this afternoon. It's time for Lolli to join two generations of friends on fours.

Thank you for the fond memories. You wore red the best out of any of them. Your constant smile and happy charm brought a lot of love out in all of us.

Rest in Peace Lolli. You will be missed.

Where art though friends?

Every once in a while I miss the ability to walk into any room and bounce ideas off of fellow MBAs. And I suppose it's not just MBAs, but rather a group of people where we've shared the same learning experience. I learned from my colleague at my previous job who received the same 9 months of training that I did. It helps to have that common ground.

I was trying to explain something today and my director looked at me quite strange and just said, that doesn't make sense. I couldn't think of another way to explain why the average of achievements trended higher than if you were to take the sum of the sales and divide by the sum of the quota. And all I have is a worksheet that shows exactly that and not enough time to dig into the details before month-end close meetings.

Perhaps it's simply because my brain is fried. I spend so much time digging into commission variances that I can't seem to articulate them anymore. And frankly, I'm not sure sure what more the leaders want. I'll keep trying, but for now, after 12 hours in the office. It's time to home and have a beer!

Spam

Next Sunday will be the first game of my new soccer season! To say the least, it's been a while. I sprained my ankle the week of my brother's wedding. I vowed not to be on crutches for my own wedding. Consequently, I haven't hit the pitch since. In addition, I started a new job and I'm still balancing that moment when you simply decide, today is done! I often find myself reaching for that last item to be absolutely complete before signing off. I try to remind myself, tomorrow is another day.

To be frank, I've been swamped. My manager has tried to help me manage my things to do list, but it's been difficult, which is either due to me never saying no or frankly it making more sense for me to complete something than for someone else to do it. The result, I'm deathly out of shape, but feeling extremely good with my Excel skills. I finally told her on Wednesday that I don’t think I can take on any additional projects at this time.
I'm not sure what is going to happen on Sunday. I remind myself to ease into the game again, though that's always easier said than done. I play because I love it. I love the adrenaline. I love that natural high you feel. And with all that, reason vanishes. No more injuries. I theoretically know my boundaries, but I don't always listen to them. I never want to let someone down and so, I've ended up with a few injuries that force me to stop. I'm working on getting better.

Next week's goal: 3 gym days including a couple runs. Got to start somewhere.

Let's go SPAM!

Pause

It's slightly after 2p and I've finally found enough time to heat up my soup. Every once in a while, I bring food that requires a microwave before eating. More often than not, I munch on a sandwich or something out of my lunchbox. I've found that on busy days, the latter is more friendly to my work schedule. However, it also means that I rarely take the minute for me. It'd be one thing if the shortened lunch led to either me leaving earlier or frequenting the gym more often. Sadly, neither is the case. In today's 24/7 world, we all forget to pause.

Rumor has it that it's good to leave your desk for small periods of time. It increases the blood flow, gives your hands a break from typing and lets your mind relax. Unfortunately, I know neither myself nor my colleagues practice this.

My responsibilities are very cyclical. Every 4 or 5 weeks is close and I end up swampped for a week. Things subside, only long enough to catch up on all the miscellaneous requests sitting in my inbox. Yesterday, I made a big decision. I shut down my computer and went to the gym around 5p. It felt good! It's something I want to do more often. Work is important, but so is health and well being. I miss earning points through Humana Vitality for my physical activity. It was the little extra boost of motivation to do something.

Outside of work, my husband and I have been spending part of our weekends searching for houses. The market in the Bay Area is not friendly and half the stuff on the market is overpriced crap. I cringe when I walk into some of these places and know that the sellers will get close to their asking price because someone else is desperate. It's a vicious circle that doesn't help buyers when there's extremely low inventory. At this point, I don't like or dislike the house search. The reflection just reminds me of the other commitments I once had instead.

I haven't played soccer since before my brother's wedding. Spraining my ankle made me realize that the last thing I wanted for my wedding, was to go down the aisle on crutches. Needless to say, I miss the game. I miss the excitement. I missed having a weekly activitiy that while it is working out, never quite felt that way. Every time I think about rejoining a team, I wonder if I'm in shape enough. I always decide no and say when I get back in shape, I'll join a team. After a while, I guess this is the cart before the horse dilemma. As of right now, I'm clearly not focused enough. However, if I was playing weekly, I would be forced to either get in shape or deal with the consequences.

I think it's really time to pause and focus on myself...as long as life doesn't get in the way.

8p Dinner

When I started my role, I knew there would be a commute involved. My commute in Chicago was roughly 45 minutes door to door and at times varied by which bus I took. Of course, over half my time was spent alone in the city, so it really didn't matter when I got home. Dinners were simple - edamame, cereal and sometimes chicken. It was whatever would give nutrients and instant gratification.

The new world of the commute isn't bad in the morning. It's typically no longer than the 45 minutes that I rode the bus and more often than not, my husband drives, so I am allowed to pay no real attention to the road. The return is what kills you. Leaving before 6p almost guarantees that the trip home is at least an hour, if not longer. Therefore, we leave later to avoid the traffic. Sometimes the distraction is work and other times it's a trip to the gym. We don't live quite as far North as my friends in SF. It always makes me wonder how they deal witht he commute.

That said, I am not sure I will ever get used to the 8p dinner. We make a nice meal when we get home and for that, I'm thankful. Unfortunately, nice meals take time, especially if you want to make soup, squash or sweet potatoes. When I first started I corresponded with my old boss and mentioned dinner time to him and how much it bugged me. He said that his family of 6 eats dinner nightly at 8p. All that matters is that they are together and get to enjoy each others company.

The late dinner always has me on edge to leave earlier than normal, but whenever we do, the night always seems to slip away.

Just Hit Send

It's been a rough day for a Tuesday. My husband and I woke to ants all over a chocolate cake my mom had purchased for a party. The cake was compromised and we ran out of the house late due to the ant clean up. My wedding photographer called and said that the flash card used to take our bridal party photos is corrupt. Therefore, it's likely that they're all lost. I know the bright side is I still have a roof over my head and the rest of my wedding photos are fantastic. It just puts a wrench in the mode.

And I just hit send on an email to one of my business partners calling out a mistake in my model, which was used to recommend our entire 2013 compensation plan. I had an internal struggle with 1) how to approach the subject and 2) is it better to call out mistakes and look incompetent or is it better to deal with the results on the back-end. Obviously I picked to face the challenge head on. It's not an easy call though. Given that I'm still very new in this job, I pushed to make a good impression. I brought Monte-Carlo analysis into modeling where previously the picture had been quite static. For a period, I looked like a rockstar. And right now, I feel like I'm the size of an ant.

I can't figure out if my expectations are too high or if someone else's are. My previous employer gave me all the tools and more to shine. So far, I feel like I've fumbled my way into learning how to do things here. There was no guidebook and rarely a true guide. I could always get an answer when asking a question, but again, often tripped to find the question. I don't doubt my skills and capabilities. I just need to find my rhythm again. Right now, I feel out of tune.

The New Name

I started another post, got sidetracked and decided to finish it later. It became so much more complicated than what I had originally intended. I'm waiting for my sudo Monte Carlo analysis to run, which means that I can't touch Excel for the 2-5 minutes or however long the program decides it needs to finish my 1100 iterations. In that short break, I popped open my email and as I scanned the Gmail headers of to and from, I noticed something that made me laugh - the new last name.

Most people immediately change their name on FB when they get married. I have definitely had a couple of double takes, thinking WHO IS ....? Oh yeah. That's their new name. Needless to say, I didn't. There was no real reason why I should or shouldn't and it just seemed like a lot of work after planning a wedding.

I received my new social security card recently and subsequently all the questions started flowing. What should the signature look like? Am I going to remember to respond when people call me using my new last name? Is work going to be able to do a clean sweep when they change over my name? (My current email and login are associated with my old last name!) I have had the same name for 30 years and now I have to remember a new name. That said, I never had a middle name and subsequently, I've just moved around some things so that now I have the longest name ever! While I do think there's something said for not going through the name change process. I also think there's an element of traditionalism that I like about the change. I know that addressing invites to people with different last names was an interesting.

I suppose I should get used to seeing the new name! DMV on Nov 1 to change my license. Then it's onto everything else.