Realizations

So here we are, 12 weeks pregnant. I'm excited. I'm nervous. And now, I'm just trying to figure out the next couple weeks. For starters, we've told the family and everyone is excited. The question now, who is on the NEXT list? And given that Darden Reunion is Apr 24th, it ought to be Facebook official by then. Of course, when do I tell work? I feel I'm showing likely more than I am. My body doesn't feel like mine. I have been the same size, shape, weight and height since about 16. I still fit in my old prom dresses. So this new world, is weird. I am not comfortable in my clothes and not because they're tight or pulling, simply because everything feels different. I fidget more than I used to and often wonder if people notice. Maybe I'm just being self-conscious. Yesterday, I talked with a colleague in HR to ask about our maternity leave policy. I had asked early on during my search to the recruiter, assuming I'd be here for a while. Her response was, does it really matter, the state covers most of the benefit. Turns out, it does matter. I'm learning that "unlimited vacation" has it's limitations. If the state only covers a portion of my leave, I don't have PTO/ sick days to put towards making me whole. I'm not 100% sure this is correct, but it's a theory. I have decided I need to speak with the HR leader in charge of benefits. What I can't decide is whether I do that before or after I talk with my manager.

Breaking News

Yesterday, I started thinking. It's been a while. I couldn't remember the exact timing, but thankfully had marked the calendar previously. Yep, definitely late. I wondered and yet already knew.

Our taco dinner was almost ready and my husband, who is training for a bachelor party, went to grab something from the beer fridge. It wouldn't have seemed weird if I declined. In the back of my mind, I knew and I accepted that this may be my last adult beverage for a while. As a beer lover and wine enthusiast, I embraced not knowing for one last night.

Wednesday morning arrived and I had it planned. I was going to take the test. It didn't surprise me when it returned with 2 blue lines indicating pregnant. Yet knowing seemed surreal. He was still fast asleep and before saying anything, I opted to continue my morning routine. I woke him and asked that he come hither. He protested and so I walked over and showed him why I asked. The first 12 weeks are the most delicate, so I tried to tell him not to get too excited. I didn't exactly know how to wrap my head around everything. We were taking the approach of, if it happens, great and if not, ok. I never wanted to be consumed with the idea and the trying. Here we were and it all seemed to work.

I arrived at work early and immediately went to babycenter.com. I was quite familiar with the concept and in 15 minutes learned more than I knew the day before. I waited, impatiently, for 9am and quickly called the doctor for an appointment. The questions race through my head and I find myself completely distracted today. I know there are steps from here and they'll come in time. Where does one start? And of course, when do you tell your parents?!?

It's a whole new world and all I want to do right now is sleep. My conference packed weekend was fun and tiring.

2010 - Graduated Darden
2011 - Engaged
2012 - Married
2013 - Purchased a House
2014 - Got a Puppy
2015 - Baby

I guess it fits.

Nerd Alert

First and foremost, it's been a while not that I have to tell you that. In the last 7 months, I have enjoyed being a proud owner of an amazing puppy, started my Board position for the Junior League Palo Alto-Mid Peninsula and switched jobs (role and company). It's been a wild ride, but I am finally hitting my stride. More on all that later...

Today, I write on the power of Excel shortcut keys. If you haven't realize this, I'm an absolute Excel junkie. I love building models and making data work for me. In an effort to not only be ergonomic, but also be able to maneuver quickly through a spreadsheet, I tasked myself with learning some shortcuts during my summer internship at Darden. This has served me well over the years however I came across this infographic that had a couple basic shortcuts that I didn't know well. I've shared these with my team and again am working towards using the mouse less and the keyboard more. Check it out!

Courtesy of https://filtered.com.

Growing Up

What do you want to be when you grow up? My mom always jokingly tells me that at 60, she's still not sure. While that seems somewhat comforting, I seem to be struggling with that very question. My pet peeves are poking their head up constantly in my day to day work. I love numbers. I enjoy finance, but I am starting to wonder, is there something else that I am supposed to do. Is there something else that would motivate me and excite me to go to work daily? As an MBA, you would think that I would know the answer to this question. However, I think business school actually opened my eyes more to the variety of careers and decisions you can make about what the future holds.

Riley

Riley is officially 1 week past 4 months! She's cute, she's cuddly and she basically reminds me of a teddy bear. I'm not sure what took me so long to decide that I needed a four-legged friend to greet me at the door upon my arrival home. She's the perfect greeter. Her whole body wiggles as she brushes against you for some much deserved pets. Even after a rough day, like yesterday, you instantly feel better.

That said, now I want to take her EVERYWHERE!

The Aftermath

The stuff is gone. The door is pending replacement glass. And the insurance company has been notified. Now the painful fun begins. The insurance company wants a catalog of everything I owned including description, date purchased/received, replacement value and if possible, photo/receipt. I listed 65 items and every so often, I remember another. I'm sorting through an incredible amount of digital photos. I'm now in 2006 and started in 2001. I feel like I've spent all day entering information and the last couple days trying to remember it all. Some of the pieces that were stolen were from middle and high school. There are a handful that haven't been worn since then. On top of which, watches, bracelets and rings are incredibly hard to see in photos.

We're not quite sure what this does to our holiday plans. We were supposed to leave today to visit my husband's family. Instead, we're here until at least tomorrow when the glass should be repaired. The question then is do we drive south or do we stay here? We have 3 days open and the roundtrip drive is at least 12 hours. Are we insane? There again, can you put a limit on family time? I am fortunate enough to live very close to mine. We often enjoy Sunday dinners with my mom and see my grandmother on a periodic basis. While he defends that we saw his parents at Thanksgiving and his Aunt/Nanna in November, I feel selfish at times that we are so close in proximity to my family. Yet, I'm not sure I'm ready to leave this place.

Violated

The last 27 hours are ones that I'd like to forget. It was any other day except the fact that we left work at a reasonable 5p to attempt some Christmas shopping. The phone rang and perplexed, my husband answered it. The alarm had been triggered. We looked at each other blankly and repeated into the handset that it wasn't us and they could freely dispatch the police. The drive home was silent. Both of our minds racing, wondering, what happened, was it anything, did something happen? The phone rang again, broken glass was found and the police were at the house. Someone would be waiting for us. We sat in traffic, knowing the drive would be no shorter than 30 minutes. The radio was so low that it might as well have been off.

My head raced. I knew my jewelry was not as secure as it could be. The safe that we had talked about for months never seemed to get purchased. To no ones fault. Somehow I knew. We arrived, jumped out of the car and ran inside. I quickly ran to my spot and sure enough 100% empty. Memories, feelings, beauty and it was all gone. Somehow after years of moving items from childhood and having never lost a piece myself, they were all gone in that instant.

I keep reminding myself that it's just stuff and that's the truth. It can be replaced. Maybe not that same piece from India or the random piece I bought in Brazil after thinking we could take a "free" ride to the jewelry store. But in time, there will be other meanings and other pieces. I still have the most important thing in my world, my husband. We're both safe, healthy and can get through this.

After that moment, we tried to understand the flow, the logic. We tried to reign our minds in to comprehend and ask the necessary questions.

The glass was everywhere, shattered. Pieces kept falling and with each sound, you tense. What is it? What does it want from me? I pace around the house, looking for something else to be out of place. It all seems too familiar and yet, so foreign.

The aftermath continues. The specks of glass don't come up as quickly as I'd like. I fear that we'll be finding them for months to come. While I work on each inch, I see the floor sparkle and all I know is that I missed something. I'm not sure how much or even how to rid the floor, couch, furniture and everything else of that taunting sparkle.

This is just the beginning. I slowly push my mind to remember every piece of jewelry that I once owned. What's unique? Is there something that could trigger an arrest?

I just try to hold myself together. The mind plays tricks on me. You look into the dark, expecting something to appear out of the shadows. I'm not sure if it's relief or more fear when nothing does.

I often feel that I can't explain my thoughts, my feelings, me. Violation is the perfect word. We thought we prepared the house. We thought the precautions were in place. And somehow, it only partially helped. What did we do wrong?

More Security

With each added feature that is supposed to protect, I find myself feeling more and more annoyed. A recent website update to one of my online savings accounts has resulted with two phone calls to reset my password (a requirement of the new system). The temporary password that finally arrived after the second call, now has me locked out. It's as if they don't want you to access your money. At this point, I intend to transfer everything out and close the account. While you feel that you are protecting me, I'm just fed up.

My head has passwords swimming and everytime a website decides to make certain password requirements, it makes me wonder how I'm supposed to remember the password. I look forward to the day when logging in will be a more pleasant experience instead of asking random personal questions to which I may and may not have answers. While single login systems have their problems, I have to imagine that it would be better than what we have today.

Besides the passwords for personal accounts, there's email, security codes for the house, gate codes, door codes and the list goes on. I always wonder how people remember everything without a cheat sheet and if you have a cheat sheet, where do you keep it to make it accessible? At the rate I'm going, I'm more likely to lock myself out than to login.

There Goes the Weekend

My husband and I booked another trip for August! Between two weekends, we decided on the one that would leave us with open weekends on either side. That's because we have Vegas 2 weeks prior and our 1 year anniversary 2 weeks afterwards. I keep looking at the calendar and wonder where the year went! We're gone for all except one weekend in September and we're seriously considering a trip to India that will have us on the ground for somewhere between 48 and 96 hours! Yes, we're insane as it takes almost that long to get there and back. I'm excited for the prospects of adventure, but anticipating the level of exhaustion that may ensue. Let's just say, I don't have time for exhaustion!

Speaking of weekends, I'm super excited for tomorrow and my first summer Friday! I'm not sure how many companies do this, but it's brilliant! The idea is this - you work 9 hour days every other day of the week and receive every other Friday off for a total of 5 summer Fridays. I can't say I'll be relaxing. However, the schedule is packed with all the necessary appointments and activities that have been on the backburner for months. Plus as far as I'm concerned, I'm not working any additional hours. In fact, maybe I'm working less.

Well, the ADD is kicking in and I have 18 BVAs that stand between me and my weekend. Let's do this!

What are you doing to me Bill?

There are few things I remember about college classes at this point. As they say, if you don't use it, you lose it. What I do remember however, is an older professor in Finance who would often yell at the sky and ask, "what are you doing to me, Bill?" He was referring to Bill Gates. Like most finance classes, we lived in Excel. However, Excel didn't always like to play nice. Since then, I think my Excel skills have vastly improved and there are few problems that stump me. If I do encounter one that does, I turn to my trusty friend Google who almost always delivers.

From time to time I browse what people are posting on LinkedIn. I often find the articles more enlightening than those on Facebook and other social media sites. A friend posted this article on advanced Excel tips and I must say, it's absolutely fantastic. Not only do I count myself as an Excel guru, but I'm always interested in learning new features or functions that will make my life more automated.

For all the moments when my professor cursed Bill, I have to say, GOOD JOB BILL! Index-Match alone can replace the frustration of not being able to add columns to a spreadsheet without ruining a vlookup!

Hope you enjoy!

The Place You Can Go

We are each the sum of our expereinces, which is why I never believe in regrets. Sometimes experiences are trying and other times, they define who we are. On Wednesday night, I spent my time with a group of amazing women as we listened to 4 speakers talk about how Junior League helped them launch a career in public service. Each had a story of how the Junior League influenced their decision to join either a local/county/state commission or run for office.

Cat Carleton led SPAC (State Public Affairs Committee) for the Junior League in Calfornia. She said that what she accomplished during her time left her feeling empowered. When her son asked why the water fountains in the local park never worked, she decided to take action. She joined the Parks and Recreation commission only to find that they advise and City Council can make any decision they want. Desiring to make a larger impact, she ran for City Council and now serves the local community of Menlo Park. She emphasized that you get back what you put in.

Virginia Kiraly sits on the Fire Board. Again, her interest was sparked due to the experiences she had in the Junior League. She helped transition a Junior League led project to the local Fire Departments. She immediately knew that fire safety was to become an important part of her future. In addition, she has also served on the San Mateo Grand Jury, which led her to take on the task of starting a non-profit so that all our local schools are directly connected to first responders. This issue was identified through personal experiences with her son's school.

Karen Fryling - real estate expert and PTA President! Karen is active on 5 boards and encouraged our group to think about their passions. While she believes our community is what we give back, she also notes that you're only at you're best when you're truly passionate.

Anna Zara spoke about her tenure on the library commission. In fact, after 8 years, she termed out! She now understands why the government works at a snails pace. In a representative democracy, you have to listen to everyone, which can take a long time. As a self-proclaimed geek with a background in engineering, she used Junior League to learn about non-profits.

Each of these ladies is proud of what they've accomplished (and should be!) and each of them believe that Junior League helped them get to where they are. Whether it is helping them discover their passion or being able to take "safe" risks within the League. The League helped sculp their leadership style, espcially the ability to lead, inspire and influence volunteers. It's different when the consequences for not doing something are not concrete. Simple items become ever important in the public sphere like making an agenda and more importantly a manageable agenda. They can run a meeting efficiently with a defined objective, so that the meeting doesn't go off target. Together they reminded us that going into the public sphere is different than business. You CANNOT have your own agenda as you do REPRESENT a bigger party.

If anyone wants to get involved, we were encouraged to contact CA Women Lead. The organization helps match women with state commissions based on interest and experience. State commissions often meet 4 times per year, though in various parts of the state. The time commitment can be small for a large impact and from what I hear, there is a state commission for everything.

And of course, the famous parting words, connect the dots, meaning do your homework before joining any commission or city/county/state government. The last obstacle you want to face is that of competing personalities. Next we were told you must learn to work within the organization. From learning how governemnt runs to how to work within the confines of the the Brown Act, it takes some adaptation and emotional intelligence to make a difference. Lastly, have fun!

Four Legged

They are our friends. Our companions. They're family. They're there to greet you when you return home. They're affectionate anytime you need it. They become a piece of you, of your being and your history.

I drift between being an absolute wreck and being solemnly ok. Last night was rough. Alone with my two favorite pups and I couldn't have felt more helpless. Lolli lied there, uncomfortably. At times she pushed herself, only to end up yelping and on the ground. I slept as near as possible, shoes on. Whatever she needed, I wanted to be there.

I could hear the exasperated panting. I think it even seeped into my dreams. By 5a, I think she settled long enough to close her eyes. I knew I could no longer help by myself. Her legs weren't working. She was in immense pain. And yet, nothing but wags and smiles.

I left the vet this morning, her attached to a stretcher, knowing this was likely it. The confirmation didn't come until after four this afternoon. It's time for Lolli to join two generations of friends on fours.

Thank you for the fond memories. You wore red the best out of any of them. Your constant smile and happy charm brought a lot of love out in all of us.

Rest in Peace Lolli. You will be missed.

Where art though friends?

Every once in a while I miss the ability to walk into any room and bounce ideas off of fellow MBAs. And I suppose it's not just MBAs, but rather a group of people where we've shared the same learning experience. I learned from my colleague at my previous job who received the same 9 months of training that I did. It helps to have that common ground.

I was trying to explain something today and my director looked at me quite strange and just said, that doesn't make sense. I couldn't think of another way to explain why the average of achievements trended higher than if you were to take the sum of the sales and divide by the sum of the quota. And all I have is a worksheet that shows exactly that and not enough time to dig into the details before month-end close meetings.

Perhaps it's simply because my brain is fried. I spend so much time digging into commission variances that I can't seem to articulate them anymore. And frankly, I'm not sure sure what more the leaders want. I'll keep trying, but for now, after 12 hours in the office. It's time to home and have a beer!

Spam

Next Sunday will be the first game of my new soccer season! To say the least, it's been a while. I sprained my ankle the week of my brother's wedding. I vowed not to be on crutches for my own wedding. Consequently, I haven't hit the pitch since. In addition, I started a new job and I'm still balancing that moment when you simply decide, today is done! I often find myself reaching for that last item to be absolutely complete before signing off. I try to remind myself, tomorrow is another day.

To be frank, I've been swamped. My manager has tried to help me manage my things to do list, but it's been difficult, which is either due to me never saying no or frankly it making more sense for me to complete something than for someone else to do it. The result, I'm deathly out of shape, but feeling extremely good with my Excel skills. I finally told her on Wednesday that I don’t think I can take on any additional projects at this time.
I'm not sure what is going to happen on Sunday. I remind myself to ease into the game again, though that's always easier said than done. I play because I love it. I love the adrenaline. I love that natural high you feel. And with all that, reason vanishes. No more injuries. I theoretically know my boundaries, but I don't always listen to them. I never want to let someone down and so, I've ended up with a few injuries that force me to stop. I'm working on getting better.

Next week's goal: 3 gym days including a couple runs. Got to start somewhere.

Let's go SPAM!

Pause

It's slightly after 2p and I've finally found enough time to heat up my soup. Every once in a while, I bring food that requires a microwave before eating. More often than not, I munch on a sandwich or something out of my lunchbox. I've found that on busy days, the latter is more friendly to my work schedule. However, it also means that I rarely take the minute for me. It'd be one thing if the shortened lunch led to either me leaving earlier or frequenting the gym more often. Sadly, neither is the case. In today's 24/7 world, we all forget to pause.

Rumor has it that it's good to leave your desk for small periods of time. It increases the blood flow, gives your hands a break from typing and lets your mind relax. Unfortunately, I know neither myself nor my colleagues practice this.

My responsibilities are very cyclical. Every 4 or 5 weeks is close and I end up swampped for a week. Things subside, only long enough to catch up on all the miscellaneous requests sitting in my inbox. Yesterday, I made a big decision. I shut down my computer and went to the gym around 5p. It felt good! It's something I want to do more often. Work is important, but so is health and well being. I miss earning points through Humana Vitality for my physical activity. It was the little extra boost of motivation to do something.

Outside of work, my husband and I have been spending part of our weekends searching for houses. The market in the Bay Area is not friendly and half the stuff on the market is overpriced crap. I cringe when I walk into some of these places and know that the sellers will get close to their asking price because someone else is desperate. It's a vicious circle that doesn't help buyers when there's extremely low inventory. At this point, I don't like or dislike the house search. The reflection just reminds me of the other commitments I once had instead.

I haven't played soccer since before my brother's wedding. Spraining my ankle made me realize that the last thing I wanted for my wedding, was to go down the aisle on crutches. Needless to say, I miss the game. I miss the excitement. I missed having a weekly activitiy that while it is working out, never quite felt that way. Every time I think about rejoining a team, I wonder if I'm in shape enough. I always decide no and say when I get back in shape, I'll join a team. After a while, I guess this is the cart before the horse dilemma. As of right now, I'm clearly not focused enough. However, if I was playing weekly, I would be forced to either get in shape or deal with the consequences.

I think it's really time to pause and focus on myself...as long as life doesn't get in the way.

8p Dinner

When I started my role, I knew there would be a commute involved. My commute in Chicago was roughly 45 minutes door to door and at times varied by which bus I took. Of course, over half my time was spent alone in the city, so it really didn't matter when I got home. Dinners were simple - edamame, cereal and sometimes chicken. It was whatever would give nutrients and instant gratification.

The new world of the commute isn't bad in the morning. It's typically no longer than the 45 minutes that I rode the bus and more often than not, my husband drives, so I am allowed to pay no real attention to the road. The return is what kills you. Leaving before 6p almost guarantees that the trip home is at least an hour, if not longer. Therefore, we leave later to avoid the traffic. Sometimes the distraction is work and other times it's a trip to the gym. We don't live quite as far North as my friends in SF. It always makes me wonder how they deal witht he commute.

That said, I am not sure I will ever get used to the 8p dinner. We make a nice meal when we get home and for that, I'm thankful. Unfortunately, nice meals take time, especially if you want to make soup, squash or sweet potatoes. When I first started I corresponded with my old boss and mentioned dinner time to him and how much it bugged me. He said that his family of 6 eats dinner nightly at 8p. All that matters is that they are together and get to enjoy each others company.

The late dinner always has me on edge to leave earlier than normal, but whenever we do, the night always seems to slip away.

Just Hit Send

It's been a rough day for a Tuesday. My husband and I woke to ants all over a chocolate cake my mom had purchased for a party. The cake was compromised and we ran out of the house late due to the ant clean up. My wedding photographer called and said that the flash card used to take our bridal party photos is corrupt. Therefore, it's likely that they're all lost. I know the bright side is I still have a roof over my head and the rest of my wedding photos are fantastic. It just puts a wrench in the mode.

And I just hit send on an email to one of my business partners calling out a mistake in my model, which was used to recommend our entire 2013 compensation plan. I had an internal struggle with 1) how to approach the subject and 2) is it better to call out mistakes and look incompetent or is it better to deal with the results on the back-end. Obviously I picked to face the challenge head on. It's not an easy call though. Given that I'm still very new in this job, I pushed to make a good impression. I brought Monte-Carlo analysis into modeling where previously the picture had been quite static. For a period, I looked like a rockstar. And right now, I feel like I'm the size of an ant.

I can't figure out if my expectations are too high or if someone else's are. My previous employer gave me all the tools and more to shine. So far, I feel like I've fumbled my way into learning how to do things here. There was no guidebook and rarely a true guide. I could always get an answer when asking a question, but again, often tripped to find the question. I don't doubt my skills and capabilities. I just need to find my rhythm again. Right now, I feel out of tune.

The New Name

I started another post, got sidetracked and decided to finish it later. It became so much more complicated than what I had originally intended. I'm waiting for my sudo Monte Carlo analysis to run, which means that I can't touch Excel for the 2-5 minutes or however long the program decides it needs to finish my 1100 iterations. In that short break, I popped open my email and as I scanned the Gmail headers of to and from, I noticed something that made me laugh - the new last name.

Most people immediately change their name on FB when they get married. I have definitely had a couple of double takes, thinking WHO IS ....? Oh yeah. That's their new name. Needless to say, I didn't. There was no real reason why I should or shouldn't and it just seemed like a lot of work after planning a wedding.

I received my new social security card recently and subsequently all the questions started flowing. What should the signature look like? Am I going to remember to respond when people call me using my new last name? Is work going to be able to do a clean sweep when they change over my name? (My current email and login are associated with my old last name!) I have had the same name for 30 years and now I have to remember a new name. That said, I never had a middle name and subsequently, I've just moved around some things so that now I have the longest name ever! While I do think there's something said for not going through the name change process. I also think there's an element of traditionalism that I like about the change. I know that addressing invites to people with different last names was an interesting.

I suppose I should get used to seeing the new name! DMV on Nov 1 to change my license. Then it's onto everything else.

Honesty?

This post was written many months ago:

You are a second year and the harsh reality is that for one reason or another, you did not land your initial dream job during the general on-grounds recruiting process. The search is not over and while there are still jobs being posted internally, it does not feel the same as having companies interview in campus. All of a sudden your world shifts, so you are investigating companies you almost didn't know existed two months ago. Per the usual dog and pony, you reach out to alums, looking for vision, insight, and most importantly, an inside track.

As an alum, this is where I'm put into a predicament. My company recruited for most-MBA positions and has already completed offers. The harsh reality is that what's left are general company positions, looking for some sort of specific experience. If you have it, great. If you don't, I'm not sure what to tell you. Is it my place to tell you not to waste your time? Is this something that I would have wanted to hear as a candidate? Or do I offer to help the best that I can because I do believe in my alma mater and the alumni or future alumni? It's hard because you don't want to kill the dreams of those looking for a future. However, I know how much I desprise writing cover letters and I have to imagine others feel the same.

The fact that you didn't initially receive an offer does not concern me. I have plenty of talented classmates who for one reason or another were still loooking for positions after graduation. Some people don't interview well. Some are simply found on the short end of the stick. Whatever the reason, I just wonder what my place is.

The Fallen

I woke up early this morning because it was my first time sending out the weekly sales summary for which I am responsible. I figured I'd get into the office early to ensure I had plenty of time to make a couple mistakes before it was complete. Today, felt like just another Monday.


Tomorrow is my one month anniversary of being married. My social security docs went into the mail today to change my name. On Thursday, my committee is putting on the first Training Event that I have been able to attend. It's the everyday life, day in and day out.

I turn my phone off on most mornings so that I'm not tempted to check it on a regular basis. At some point before lunch is normally when I give it life again. In a strange turn of events, life was the exact subject of a text I received.

Ronnie was my best friend my senior year in high school. We spent hours on the phone every night. He often told me that I wasn't good for his sleeping schedule, but we'd talk through the wee hours of the morning anyhow. He had a temper and would occasionally put large holes in his parents’ house. We made a pact that he would call me before making any new holes. If at the end of our conversation he felt the need to hit the wall, he could. Together, we saved a number of walls. There was no romantic spark from my end. I was graduating and moving to Colorado for school and wanted nothing to hold me back. I introduced him to my best female friend and encouraged the two of them to get to know each other. Six years later, they broke up. We drifted as he had a new center of attention. But at the same time, there are friends you see and never skip a beat. Our paths separated as I left the Bay Area and he chose a different life's path. Through social media, I’ve been able to keep up with him…

That text was to inform me that he died last night of a drug overdose. At first, all the what ifs flashed through my mind. Then there were the memories that stood out, as real as yesterday. Finally, I found myself with a sense of bewilderment. What do you say? He was 32 years old, not much older than me. I see a life ahead of me and he seemed to see nothing. How does that happen? Accidental? On purpose? You just wonder. He's joined those who died too young and yet maybe he's just in a better place.

When I first saw the text, I didn’t believe it. I immediately went to Facebook – strange how the world has changed. And I find it even odder how the social world lives even when you’re not breathing. Condolences, photos, thoughts of hope, sympathy… it was a little too much for me to bare at the moment. I shut it down. Asked my friend if she wanted support and left it at that. I feel weird, but I can’t seem to find the emotions or explanation.

As the years pass, the tables turn. My grandmother at 85 is doing fairly well. More of her friends have passed than are living. While living a long life to see your descendants grow is something for which I hope. I always wonder if there's an interesting dichotomy there with watching all your friends pass. It always seems so sad when someone passes old and yet much sadder when someone is young.

Rest in Peace, Ronnie.